I HAVE LOST NINE POUNDS.

To those who know me well this is not just big news, it is no small feat. Two years ago my parents got me a gym membership which I have faithfully utilized. I started out going three to four days a week. No weight loss. I upped it to five to six days. Nothing. I started going seven days a week, added weight training to my daily cardio, got up early to go before work. Nada.

I finally went to my doctor, who sent me to an endocronologist. I actually prayed that he would find something wrong. It seemed that no diet could affect me, and my body is immune to rigorous exercise. I gain three pounds driving past a McDonalds.

Would you like to know what the endo told me? Hmm? Would you??

I am the single HEALTHIEST patient he has EVER seen. My LDL cholesterol is 49. This is low, for those not in the know.

SO. He imparted upon me the secret to real, effective weight loss. And now I will impart it to you.

STOP EATING. This is all. He made me rope in the gym time to three days a week, and rope in the food intake to 12 calories a day. I literally eat a a meal replacement bar (150 calories) the length and width of my thumb for breakfast, one for lunch, and dinner consists of naked veggies and a piece of meat roughly the size of the palm of my hand.

I HAVE LOST NINE POUNDS. My goal is 15 more, NOT unreasonable for my height. But since I'm eating my own hands I may be too weak to enjoy it.