Saw a beautiful, red convertible in a Waldbaum's parking lot today. The licence plate read: CRPADM. I left a note under the windshield wiper that read, "What does "Crap Adam" mean?" And Al and I laughed and laughed.

Too much to say, too little time. Lemme sum up:

Went to Boston, immobilized myself on day one by hurting the already bulging disk in my neck. (Girls hate to have anything bulging) Was rushed to the ER in Boston, where I had an MRI that I'm sure would have been very upsetting if I wasn't blinded by agony. Ruined AL's vaca in CT, by forcing him to drive to Boston to get me... three times (I'll let him explain). Spent the next week in a neck brace, doped up on Percocet and Valuim (p.s. Percocet makes you cry). Came home to the final dress rehursal of my play to find that I a now the STAGE MANAGER too. Need more Valium. Tonight is opening night, hope to break ONLY my leg.

Whew.

O.k., so my new policy is once a month. That's all you get.

A lot has happened this last month, so get ready to get your skim reading on...

I fell off the treadmill. I don't mean this in the I-was-working-out-all-the-time-but-I-fell-off-the-treadmill-and-now-I'm-not kind of way. No, no. I FELL off the TREADMILL. I was in the gym, trucking away on my treadmill, when I committed the cardinal sin. I decided that I did not like the song currently playing on my CD Walkman. So, I casually took my eyes off my feet, casually reached over to pick up my CD man, and casually launched myself across the room. I fell so hard that my CD Man LAUNCHED my CD across the room. See, if you’re not going to hold the handrails (which I don’t, I’m a He-Woman), you MUST watch your feet. My left knee looked like I knelt on a plum. The chick on the mill next to me looked over, never taking HER hands off of HER handrails and said, “You all right?”

Nope, I think I broke my pride.

This tid bit only bears telling because… well, it’s funny when people fall, AND, because I finished my workout, limped home (which was dumb, because my car was there, and I live very far away) to shower and change. My mother and I were going shopping for a friend’s bridal shower. SO. I’m in the shower, and it occurs to me that my face wash is not in with me (note for all you guys out there: girls have different soap for their faces than they do for the rest of their bodies.) ANYway, I peak out of the shower, and see my face soap on the sink (can everyone see where this is headed?), I leave one stupid wet foot on the stupid wet tile in the shower, and place the other stupid wet foot onto the stupid damp bathroom floor… the only thing that kept my mother from finding my naked, bruised, unconscious, wet body on the floor of my bathroom, was the fact that I grabbed the shower curtain on my way down. I actually sat there for about a minute, aghast. I CAN’T believe I FELL again.

As Al puts it, death is obviously standing behind me going, “Aww, C’mon!! What do I have to do?!? I was so close!!” He goes back to his office and all the other Deaths tease him: “So, how’s that Jessica Stoneburner thing going?” “Shut up! I’ll get her tomorrow…”

In other news: WE are GOING to JAMAICA, MON!!! Woo Hoo! Yep, the trip is set, and I cannot wait! It occurred to us that we have not been on a vacation since our honeymoon. Before that was six years for me, and four for him. THEN it occurred to me that the only vacations I’ve ever been on have included some form of roller coaster or other. While I see this as an admirable thing, my suddenly adult self says, “Wait. There’s a place where you can SWIM up to the bar?? Why was I never told of this???” To which my inner moppet replies, “We never told you ‘cause we were afraid you’d never let us go back to Six Flags!” Well, they were wrong. In fact I’m trying to finagle a way to use finagle in a sentence. Wow. That worked out nicely. We would like to get to Six Flags in Jersey to go on the Superman roller coaster. It looks cool.

So! Jamaica. I’m going to parasail, and if I can figure out how, I’ll post some photos for you! We’ll be there for a week in September with our friends Kristian and Jen. It’s one of those all-inclusive Grand Lido resorts. EVERYTHING is included. With one swipe of the debit card, we paid for airfare, hotel, meals, activities, and (most importantly) drinks, for seven days! We contemplated a cruise, but I know that I would start to YAK the second my foot hit the deck, and not stop until I got home. Also, with a cruise, drinks are not included, and I think that that is a main requisite for Al and Kristian. For me, it’s the fact that our package includes a massage, facial, reflexology, and body scrub in an OPEN AIR GAZEBO BY THE WATER!!! Ours is called Sans Souci, which means Without Souci.

I actually went to Bath and Body Works to but their new Coconut Lime Verbena body lotion and spray just for the occasion. Sigh.

In other news, I am going to North Carolina, so someone come and get their banjo, I’m not going to need it. My sister’s birthday is on Aug 15, and I was going to surprise her by just showing up for the weekend. Well, I would have called her boyfriend and let him know! Anyway, I have SOMETHING (I’ll get to that in a minute) going on that weekend, so I couldn’t go. I called her and let her know that I would come up the following weekend. So I’m going to the ranch! I’m a dude! No, wait…

The REASON I cannot go on her actual birthday…. I’m doing a show. Yep ladies and germs, Jessica is back in the acting circuit. May God have mercy on our souls. I’m going to be in the Bayway Arts Center production of Biloxi Blues. Fun, huh? For info, you can go to www.broadhollow.org, or you can call Al. My last weekend of performance happen to be Aug 16th, so THAT’S why I can’t go to NC that weekend. Sad.

Come one, come all, see the amazing Jessica attempt to regain her youth, ironically by playing a woman 15 years her senior, in her first production in seven years!

Gulp.