I’m Alive!!! Yes friends and neighbors, I’m back, alive and married! I bet you all thought I’d dropped off the face of the earth, no? Some of you may even have WISHED it, and we know who you are!
I would have posted sooner, but it was kind of overwhelming to be back. We were on our honeymoon for TWO WEEKS. By the fifth day it felt like I’d never NOT been on vacation. When we got back there was so much to say I just sort of… short-circuited, you know?
So my wedding was amazing. I had the BEST time. Everything was fabulous, and I loved every minute. People are right when they tell you that the day flies passed you. It felt like the reception was 2 hours, not 5. However, it didn’t pass me in a blur. It’s hard to explain, but I don’t feel like I missed anything. A lot of the time I talk to brides who say they feel like they didn’t get to enjoy their reception because there was too much to do. I can TOTALLY see how this happens!! Every four seconds someone is coming up to you and saying, “Can I get a picture?” You want to give your time to everyone, talk to every aunt, uncle, and cousin, while still enjoying yourself. This can drive you crazy… specifically if 2/3 of your cousins are screaming, slobbering drunk. And they were.
At any rate, my day went like this:
· They woke ME up; I slept like a baby.
· The hairdresser showed up and did my hair, my mom’s hair, and two bride’s maids.
· We’re still on time.
· My Aunt Clinique showed up and did my make up
· Right on time
· Five bride’s maids strap me into two slips, a bustier, and my gown. I cried when I put it on.
· The Photographer shows up in the middle of this to take pictures (see www.hornynewlyweds.com).
· 650 pictures of me and everyone in my house. I cry every time a new relative arrives.
· Makin’ good time.
· Skye’s dad calls to say they can’t find my sparklers. Sad.
· The flowers show up. My mom and I cry at how beautiful they are.
· Someone calls to tell me they FOUND the sparklers. Happy.
· The Limo’s show up.
· They gale force winds die down juuuuuuuuuuuuust long enough to allow the girls and I SIX outdoor photos. 656.
· We pile into the limo. 13 more pictures of my dad helping me into the limo. 669.
· Right on time.
· We pull up to the church and my mom’s cell phone rings. The bride’s maids in the other limo sing Goin’ to the Chapel at the top of their lungs. I’m crying again.
· We’re in the vestibule, and the girls pull the blusher veil over my head. We’re all crying as they say “Good-by Jessica Johnston.”
· One by one they disappear down the isle. My Father tells me he loves me, and I don’t have to do this if I’m not sure. I laugh. My hands are shaking.
· I won’t know until much late, but the Priest is JUST showing up… late.
· We round the corner
· He’s all I see.

It was all I could do not to run up the isle to him. When I got up there I had to suppress the instinct to kiss him (I hadn’t seen him since the night before). He looked so handsome in his tuxedo, and I love him.
There was a full mass (much to the dismay of our non-churchgoing friends) that only ran about 40 minutes. This was because we chose Father Kamikaze to marry us. In a nutshell it sounded like this: “Todd and Ryan will read now. Aunt Genny and Aunt Rose will do the Eucharist. Nick and Victor will bring up the gifts. You two will now kiss.”
I think there was more in there, but honestly I was laughing so hard throughout the entire ceremony that I’m sure I missed some stuff. The high point was when Father Kamikaze told us to light the unity candles. No instruction, no direction, he just announced that we should light the candles. We were so giddy and flustered that we looked at the ushers and asked for a light. One of them LEPT to the alter before the usher next to him (the only one who knew that we should be using the LIT ALTER CANDLES) could stop him.
The only time I wasn’t laughing my ass off, barely under control, was during the vows. Then I cried like a four-year-old. I was miked, too, so that the whole congregation could hear my voice cracking. It was magic.
Afterwards, we stood for a six day receiving line, waiting patiently until I could go outside to the dozens of lit sparklers. Woo Hoo!! I love sparklers, and I didn’t love them any less at my wedding!
All in all, it was magic.